Fashion Blogs

One of the greatest pillars of a good marriage is love. But we all know just how many divorce cases are on going right now because love just got a little sour over time. The question is, who loved more and who loved less? And if you were to get married and feel emotionally secure, would it be with someone who loves you more, or with someone you love more?

Marry a man who loves you just a little more than you love him is a time-honoured adage based on the intuitive but unverifiable assumption that men in love are less likely to be unfaithful.

The theory also offers a secondary reassurance to women: If he loves you more than you love him, and he cheats on you, at least your diminished investment will innoculate you against the worst emotional effects of sexual betrayal.

Pictures: silver bridesmaid dresses

Martin Kabiru, a sociologist says to live the constant, quiet humiliation that comes with being dependent on someone in a way that is not reciprocated erodes self esteem. Because so much of you has been invested in convincing them that you deserve them, if they don’t recognise it, it can feel that no one ever will.

“When you love more, when you can feel that your partner does not return so much of what is essential to you, you start to love yourself less. You see yourself as worthy only to the degree that this person whom you love so much has deemed you worthy,” he says.

He adds: “There is almost no fault in them which you are not ready to excuse, ready to brush over with the incredibly forgiving rendering of your admiration—and yet your flaws all become tangible, justifiable reasons for them not to be happy with you.” Slowly you begin to adjust yourself to what you imagine they are looking for, uninterested in pleasing yourself so much as getting that residual pleasure from making them happy, if only for a minute.

By the time they leave you—and they almost always will, you will look around and realise just how much of yourself you had given away. The unconditional love that most couples promise at weddings might actually be the reason for their falling apart after all, as explained by marriage councillor Willard F Harley.

“So, if there’s no devout reason to give or receive unconditional love in marriage, we’re left with practical reasons. And I know of none. If someone were to tell me that she loves me unconditionally, and were to mean by that, that she’ll meet my emotional needs regardless of how I treat her, I wouldn’t be motivated to treat her with utmost care.

I could get away with anything, knowing that she’d be there to pick up the pieces,” he explains in one of his talks. But, whether to love more or to be loved more might not be the real question; the real deal is how to know when either of that is true and whether to step up to it or to back off a little in order to gain the security that you need in your marriage.

“No relationship can be 50/50. No matter what both parties try, also it’s not easy to tell exactly who loves who more than the other. If it was so, the more loving would feel used and the other can gain pride. However, from previous experience and observations, signs from your partner can help you gauge some level of passion and need for you.

So, in relationships, we try to make our better halves more loved. It avoids insecurity, mistrust, and dishonesty. And then after that, you let them reciprocate it. If they do, then you know they actually care, if they don’t, then you know you are the one who is loving more, and probably needs to do something about it before you start drowning in your own tears,” says 26-years-old Wairimu Kariuki.

“As a man, I prefer someone I connect with, someone I love more than anything else in this world because even the Bible says, (Husband love your wives) and in return the same Bible tells wives to respect their husbands.

To every male, respect equals love. But to women, love is something else. For me, I would go for someone I love more,” says John Karanja, a communication officer, HelpAge International.

More info: ivory bridesmaid dresses