Okay, so we've taken you through who was the most beautiful of them all at the American Music Awards 2014. Now let's be completely horrible to all of the ones who wore the wrong things and feel really good about ourselves for about five minutes.
Come on beautiful people, surely you know how to make yourselves even more beautiful. But NO. Here are some of the worst things ever made with a sewing machine since Marge Simpson's Chanel dress.
Diana Ross. We love you and everything you've done for humanity. We like the Bardot dress cut, and you are ultimately a more accomplished individual than we will ever be. But Di, love, why have you picked up lots of dying eagles from the ground?
Bleona. Always great to meet someone's nipples before we get to see their winning personality: everyone meet BLEONA, guys! And here is her vagina. Yeah, this is pretty much the dress that Rihanna wore CFDA Awards earlier this year, but a hell of a lot more painful and horrible. Like if River Island made a version. Seriously, is she not cold? She's going to have netting lines all over her for weeks and weeks. ALSO WHO IS SHE? BLEONA. WHAT IS. WHAT. WHAT ARE YOU. We're so angry.
Louis Tomlinson. We know it's winter, and we know the weather outside is frightful, but your turtleneck is not delightful. We hate turtlenecks. We even hate the necks of actual turtles. We especially hate turtle necks with blazers. We don't mind turtles wearing blazers though. Aww.
Mary Lambert is probably very nice, but her weird midnight blue prom dress thing isn't our bag. It's got, like, a different strip of blue at the bottom of the dress, and it's like, "did you run out of fabric and just make do?" because no! It's silly. We do, however, enjoy her Game of Thrones red hair.
Heidi Klum, the best Halloween fancy-dress party goer to ever walk this earth, doesn't need to bring the spooky holiday to all the other 364 days of the year, surely. Yes, of course Heidi Klum has the body of a greek goddess, this is irrefutable. But this confusing pink and black ducktape number is like something from a Mean Girls photoshoot. This wouldn't have even qualified in our choices for the perfect school disco dress, and you know we were all about pink sparkly cardboard crap back then. YOU CAN'T SIT WITH US, HEIDI.
Wow, Rita Ora. This new colour 'yellow' you're championing sure is bright and cheerful. In fact, your dress is quite so yellow, we can't remember what other colours look like. Like, our brain can't picture anything else on the spectrum. The sky is yellow. Our mother is yellow. It's like living in an Instagram sepia filter, Rita. NO, THAT'S NOT A GOOD THING, RITA.
Hey Kylie Jenner, Dracula called and he wants the inner lining of his cape back! The littlest Kardashian does have the legs and vampy expression to pull off this deep red, satin number, but after much consideration, it's just on the bad side of 'too much flesh', and also it's totally a fire hazard.
Nicki Minaj has worn worse, but this dress is a bit meh. Sure, it wouldn't start any wars, and it wouldn't sleep with you and not call you again, but it just seems a bit fussy and needless and makes us kind of pray for the days where she used to wear candy floss judges wigs.
Jennifer Lopez is of course, just from the block, and there must be a local market on - because what the hell is this? Okay. Important to say, OH MY GOD Jennifer Lopez, you've been alive since the primordial era and yet your body looks like its been sculpted from hot iron, etc. etc. - but where is the front part of this pale pink beast from Strictly Come Dancing's 2009 collection? We get you like the whole flamenco thing, but it's ruining your music and it's ruining other people's award ceremonies too, m'love.
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